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News Gram™ January 2004

January 2004 ~ Vol. 10, No. 6

It's a new year and it will take some time to digest all that transpired over the past 12 months. Lets take a look-and a few pokes-at some of the more prominent events that added color, scope and depth to the time in which we live.

From the Ridiculous to the Sublime - Well, it's been a tough year for poor Britney Spears. The 22 year-old singing star acknowledges that her voice is, well, not quite ready for the Met, and she wishes she could sing as well as Christina Aguilera or Whitney Houston. Her singing voice is not all that important compared to the problems she's caused for herself.

This past July, in Mexico City, for instance, she left her brain on the doorstep and made an obscene gesture toward the paparazzi. Those guys didn't appreciate her momentary lapse - nor did her fans when, on the final, drizzly night of her world tour, she walked off the stage after singing only five songs. Almost in unison, the audience screamed "Fraud, fraud," at her but failed to bring her back before them. Britney claimed it was the rain and she had been cautioned against performing on an electrified set with wet feet. Seems she must have studied physics before becoming a star. Oh, and didn't she get married about ten days ago to a childhood friend? Apparently, she did, though the two had the little fling annulled the next day. What some people will do for a little publicity.

Jumpin' Jehosephats - So, there was this high school dropout, Paul Smith, who, on May 8th, decided to imitate a stunt in the now defunct MTV show, Jackass. From the roof of a five-story condominium in Sarasota County, Florida, Smith decided to jump into a pool below - just as he had seen on the tube. Sadly, he missed the pool, struck the edge, crushed both his legs and fell into the water. If this is nature imitating art, something is really wrong.

He's All Wet - Kirk Jones is a 40 year-old guy who didn't know quite what to do with his life. "I want to be someone," must have been his mantra. So, in October, he decided to go over Niagara Falls without any kind of safety device. Over the edge he flew, and a few infinitely long instants later, he found himself floating on top of the vicious foam at the bottom of the falls. He had a couple of broken ribs but, hey, what's a few ribs after a trip like that? His reward: An offer he accepted from the Toby Tyler Circus that tours Mexican border towns. Beats selling auto parts, according to Jones, who gladly left that job for the big tent.

Quotables - Martha Stewart, 62, doesn't much fancy hanging out in federal prison for the next umpteen years, and can't understand what all the fuss is about. "I don't know why people don't like me. I'm not perfect. The perception that I am perfect I think got kind of mixed up with the idea that what we're trying to teach is the best possible standard out there," she declared to Barbara Walters. "People won't watch my show if I make a flop. I'm not a comedy show. I'm a how-to show." Maybe it's her coolness - her iciness, really - that troubles her audience, but the celebrity hostess with the mostess incurred the wrath of the SEC when she engaged in fuzzy stock transactions. The trial's on now and the outcome is fuzzy as well. Her media empire is tottering in the balance. Stay tuned!

"The most difficult decisions I have made in my life were to stay married to Bill and to run for the Senate from New York," Senator Hillary Clinton confessed to Barbara Walters. So now we understand. She really is human. She feels her pain while hubby gallivants around D.C. and Harlem. Never mind the millions of dollars she has made penning a few words about her eight years in the White House or her determination to live again at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. America loves her and hates her - and there are very few people in between.

And of course, our new Governor is always good for a few bon mots, especially when they are uttered with that Austrian clip at the end of each. When asked if he would have wanted to run for president had he not been born in Austria, Arnold responded, "I would have liked to be the leader of the world." Oh well, modesty isn't a virtue in Hollywood - nor in Sacramento.

All of this is not to ignore the war in Iraq, the so-called epidemic of obesity across America, the singular, at home playoff loss of the Green Bay Packers to the Atlanta Falcons, Napster's demise, SARS, the West Nile Virus, the ascendant stock market or global warming heating up. It's only to make the point that a year is a long time when it comes to newsworthy events. Only a few events catch the eye of most people. We could spend the next year reviewing the fortunes and failures of people we have come to love and hate, people to whom we owe a strange vote of thanks for making our lives richer, stranger and often shakier. Just think, we've got another year facing us. Who knows what will happen?

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